A friend asked for people to post their worst date stories on a Facebook thread. I've been meaning to get this story written down for awhile now, but I knew that, in its entirety, it would not fit in a Facebook comment. So I'm putting it here. For science.
I met a gal on OkCupid circa 2013. I'll spare a lot of details, but it was a time in both of our lives when we weren't necessarily looking for anything serious, so we went in hoping for some good chemistry and somebody to have fun with. Agreed to meet for dinner in Waldo, and if the evening was going well, we'd head somewhere else for drinks afterwards. Dinner went fine, good enough conversation, mutual attraction, bingo.
We hop in my car and drive up to Westport. Had a beer at Kelly's and then headed to Beer Kitchen for a few more. Now I don't remember how exactly we got on the topic, but there's a decent chance we were discussing our interests, education, fascinations...who knows? BUT...at SOME point we end up on the topic of science and how awesome I think it is. And THEN...something leads to her saying the following words...
Her - "I think it's just ridiculous that some people think the earth is millions of years old."
*Pregnant pause*
Me - "....um....you mean...BILLIONS....with a B.....right? Because the earth is 4 BILLION years old..."
Her - "Yeah, that's completely ridiculous! There's no WAY it's that old."
So in my mind, we clearly have widely different worldviews. And boy do I LOVE a good debate! I launch into scientific defenses of the premise of the earth and universe being that old. Starting with the fossil record...
Her - "Oh yeah, but after that much time, there's no WAY those bones would still be there."
Me - "Um....I mean...they're not BONES anymore, they've fossilized...you know...turned into stone?"
Her - "Well, how'd they do THAT?"
(I realize, not having a geology degree, I probably won't be able to explain technically how that happened, but I also realize that even if I could, it may just be lost on this individual. She also at one point mentions that she thinks dinosaurs were fake/didn't exist. Additionally, she mentions that if she had kids, she would NEVER send them to public school because of the nonsense they teach them...it'd be private school for any child of hers.)
Me - "Ok then...what about carbon dating?"
Her - "Carbon dating has been THOROUGHLY debunked. EVERYONE knows that (I shit you not she said this) CARBON LEVELS IN THE ATMOSPHERE HAVE VARIED GREATLY THROUGHOUT HISTORY."
(My brain screams to itself, "THAT'S NOT WHAT CARBON DATING EVEN IS!!!!!"
Me - "Ok, well...let's think astronomically...if we know how far away something is, and we know the speed of light, then we can safely assume that the light from an object a billion light years away has taken...(wait for it)...a BILLION YEARS to reach us!
(I continue arguing astronomy, but at a certain point I realize she is staring at me with a facial expression that is a mix of incredulity, disgust, and pity)
Her - "...I don't even know what to SAY to you right now..."
(continues staring at me like I'M the idiot and she feels sorry/offended that I apparently didn't get a good education)
Me - "Hey, I mean, it's no big deal...if I've said something to upset you, it was not my intent. I thought we were having a good debate, but if you'd rather discuss something else, that's fine."
Her - *facial expression unchanged, says nothing*
Me - "Ummmm...soooooo...." (just trying to salvage SOME semblance of civility, failing)
Her - *NOTHING. She has completely shut down and will not speak.*
Me - "Um....should I get the tab?"
Her - "Yeah." *Spoken with the same inflection you would give the word "Ew."*
Me - *pays tab, we collect our things, walk back to the car, and drive from Westport to Waldo...IN COMPLETE SILENCE*
I drop her off at her car. She gets out. I am about to punch the gas to put as much distance as possible between myself and this person. BUT...right before she shuts the door, she says...
Her - "I might text you later." *Door shuts, She gets in her car.*
My brain - "WHYYYYYYYYY??!?!?!? WHY WOULD YOU TEXT ME!?!? WASN'T THAT JUST THE WORST DATE YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON??!?!?"
I get home. True to her word, she texts me.
Her - "I don't know where we go from here."
WE DON'T GO ANYWHERE, YOU'RE HORRIBLE AND WE'RE WRONG FOR EACH OTHER
Me - (Being nice) "Um, I guess we don't have to go anywhere. Maybe it just won't work out."
Her - "You were doing really well there for awhile."
I realize she's trying to let me down easy...because clearly I'm the one who screwed up and I must feel simply awful for blowing it with such a fine specimen as her. I decide I'm just going to let her think she has the upper hand because I really don't need to lay into this poor soul for my own personal satisfaction.
Me - "I guess I blew it."
Her - "Big time."
Me - "Oh well..."
AW SHUCKY DARN *overly dramatic finger snap*
That was the end of the evening. Over the next few weeks I told that story to literally anybody who would listen. As the days passed, some of the more subtle details of the evening started to emerge from my memory. Such as this...I remembered that she was maybe kinda a little bit racist. When we were at Beer Kitchen, there was an interracial couple sitting across the bar from us.
She looked over at them and said to me, "I just don't know what they think they're trying to prove."
Me, obviously shell-shocked, immediately responded, "I don't know, it looks like they're having a good time!" *TAKES LONG DRINK FROM MY BEER, CHANGES SUBJECT*
Anyways...that was The End...or so I thought. 3-4 months later, she texts me again...
Her - "So are you seeing anybody?"
I do not respond.
That was THE END...
...until...
Many MANY years later, I stumble upon her dating profile on Tinder. The curiosity is way too overwhelming and I swipe right on her. INSTANT MATCH, imagine that!
I message her and ask if she remembers me. She says she doesn't. I mention that we had a pretty memorable conversation about science and how she didn't believe in dinosaurs. She denies everything.
THAT is the ACTUAL end.
Me - "....um....you mean...BILLIONS....with a B.....right? Because the earth is 4 BILLION years old..."
Her - "Yeah, that's completely ridiculous! There's no WAY it's that old."
So in my mind, we clearly have widely different worldviews. And boy do I LOVE a good debate! I launch into scientific defenses of the premise of the earth and universe being that old. Starting with the fossil record...
Her - "Oh yeah, but after that much time, there's no WAY those bones would still be there."
Me - "Um....I mean...they're not BONES anymore, they've fossilized...you know...turned into stone?"
Her - "Well, how'd they do THAT?"
(I realize, not having a geology degree, I probably won't be able to explain technically how that happened, but I also realize that even if I could, it may just be lost on this individual. She also at one point mentions that she thinks dinosaurs were fake/didn't exist. Additionally, she mentions that if she had kids, she would NEVER send them to public school because of the nonsense they teach them...it'd be private school for any child of hers.)
Me - "Ok then...what about carbon dating?"
Her - "Carbon dating has been THOROUGHLY debunked. EVERYONE knows that (I shit you not she said this) CARBON LEVELS IN THE ATMOSPHERE HAVE VARIED GREATLY THROUGHOUT HISTORY."
(My brain screams to itself, "THAT'S NOT WHAT CARBON DATING EVEN IS!!!!!"
Me - "Ok, well...let's think astronomically...if we know how far away something is, and we know the speed of light, then we can safely assume that the light from an object a billion light years away has taken...(wait for it)...a BILLION YEARS to reach us!
(I continue arguing astronomy, but at a certain point I realize she is staring at me with a facial expression that is a mix of incredulity, disgust, and pity)
 |
| Kinda like this. |
(continues staring at me like I'M the idiot and she feels sorry/offended that I apparently didn't get a good education)
Me - "Hey, I mean, it's no big deal...if I've said something to upset you, it was not my intent. I thought we were having a good debate, but if you'd rather discuss something else, that's fine."
Her - *facial expression unchanged, says nothing*
Me - "Ummmm...soooooo...." (just trying to salvage SOME semblance of civility, failing)
Her - *NOTHING. She has completely shut down and will not speak.*
Me - "Um....should I get the tab?"
Her - "Yeah." *Spoken with the same inflection you would give the word "Ew."*
Me - *pays tab, we collect our things, walk back to the car, and drive from Westport to Waldo...IN COMPLETE SILENCE*
I drop her off at her car. She gets out. I am about to punch the gas to put as much distance as possible between myself and this person. BUT...right before she shuts the door, she says...
Her - "I might text you later." *Door shuts, She gets in her car.*
My brain - "WHYYYYYYYYY??!?!?!? WHY WOULD YOU TEXT ME!?!? WASN'T THAT JUST THE WORST DATE YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON??!?!?"
I get home. True to her word, she texts me.
Her - "I don't know where we go from here."
WE DON'T GO ANYWHERE, YOU'RE HORRIBLE AND WE'RE WRONG FOR EACH OTHER
Me - (Being nice) "Um, I guess we don't have to go anywhere. Maybe it just won't work out."
Her - "You were doing really well there for awhile."
I realize she's trying to let me down easy...because clearly I'm the one who screwed up and I must feel simply awful for blowing it with such a fine specimen as her. I decide I'm just going to let her think she has the upper hand because I really don't need to lay into this poor soul for my own personal satisfaction.
Me - "I guess I blew it."
Her - "Big time."
Me - "Oh well..."
AW SHUCKY DARN *overly dramatic finger snap*
That was the end of the evening. Over the next few weeks I told that story to literally anybody who would listen. As the days passed, some of the more subtle details of the evening started to emerge from my memory. Such as this...I remembered that she was maybe kinda a little bit racist. When we were at Beer Kitchen, there was an interracial couple sitting across the bar from us.
She looked over at them and said to me, "I just don't know what they think they're trying to prove."
Me, obviously shell-shocked, immediately responded, "I don't know, it looks like they're having a good time!" *TAKES LONG DRINK FROM MY BEER, CHANGES SUBJECT*
Anyways...that was The End...or so I thought. 3-4 months later, she texts me again...
Her - "So are you seeing anybody?"
I do not respond.
That was THE END...
...until...
Many MANY years later, I stumble upon her dating profile on Tinder. The curiosity is way too overwhelming and I swipe right on her. INSTANT MATCH, imagine that!
I message her and ask if she remembers me. She says she doesn't. I mention that we had a pretty memorable conversation about science and how she didn't believe in dinosaurs. She denies everything.
THAT is the ACTUAL end.
1 comment:
It kind of depends on which dinosaurs you were talking about. Many of them were played by human actors who were not afraid of falling off the edge of the Earth, because I mean, you can SEE it before you reach the edge. Right?
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