2012: The Good, The Bad, and The Sweaty

This is going to be a tough one to hammer out. Mostly because I'm still sleeping like an idiot some days(i.e. NOT sleeping when I should be) and today is one of those days. If you've been following my thrilling adventures the past few months you know that I'm going through a bit of a rough patch right now. Usually my New Year's rants are fairly positive and motivational, but it's hard to muster those kinds of words right now. We'll see if I can scrape up something uplifting...

I guess the past few years have been pretty good, so it was easy to honestly tell the story that way. And that's the key. Honesty. I can't honestly sit here and tell you that 2012 was peaches and cream, when in fact it was really a hard year for me in a lot of ways. So I'm just going to tell it like it happened.

And it may not be a good read. Fair warning...see you on the other side, brave souls.

A year ago, I wrote about being happy with my job, my health, and my relationship. Well...I've got one of those things remaining as it was. Let's break it down...I'll start with the bad and finish with the good.

The Relationship...even now I'm still in shock that it's over. Over the course of this year, I watched a beautiful relationship with an amazing girl slowly fall apart, bit by bit. I think deep down, I knew it would end up this way but I couldn't truly admit it to myself, nor could I give up trying to make it work. I am reassured by the fact that I gave it my best shot and don't think I did anything wrong, but that is far outweighed by the disappointment of rejection and the hollowness left in her absence. I know at some point in the future, those feelings will give way to hope and eventual excitement for new things, but I don't see that happening any time soon.

For these reasons, 2012 saw me very often reaching out to friends and family for support, and luckily finding them immediately willing to lend an ear and pick me up when I was down. You all know exactly who you are, and you need to know that you have helped me more than I could possibly express in words. For all the conversations over beer, movies watched, FIFA games, mystery ingredient pot-roasts, shared trail runs, Colorado couch surfing, late night chats, the most awesome wedding I've ever been to, the Annual Loental Holiday Game, and all the rest...I know I owe you all so much. Thank you for being there when I needed you.

The Job...well, long story short...it was awesome, it all blew up, then it sucked, got a little better, got a LOT worse, and then became amazing.

Let me break it down. I started the year as a new nurse orienting in Medical ICU at St. Luke's. In February it became painfully clear to myself and my orientation coordinators that I was not yet fit for critical care. This resulted in a huge blow to my overall confidence as well as confidence in my nursing practice, and a transfer to a lower acuity unit. I was immediately disappointed and bitter about the new job and it took a long time for me to let anyone get to know me because I simply did not want to be there.

After a while, I began to get a feel for the job and an ability to appreciate certain aspects of the care I was giving. In short, I was starting to enjoy it and saw myself perhaps staying there. I began to get to know some of my new coworkers and was thrilled to discover that most of them were not only excellent nurses and aides, but that they were really great people as well. Despite management issues on the unit, I began to make it my home.

As the year went on, the management issues resulted in more and more good nurses leaving for greener pastures, resulting in worse and worse staffing issues. By the end, it was getting downright scary to show up to work, wondering how woefully understaffed we'd be and what catastrophe might befall us or a patient due to being so stretched.

Luckily, I got word from a friend who I met during my Capstone at Children's Mercy that their Hematology/Oncology unit was hiring. I submitted an application that very day and within a few weeks, I had an interview lined up. The morning after my interview, I was offered the job and later that day I put in my 2 weeks notice at St. Luke's.

To say that this new job has been a god-damned blessing is maybe the biggest understatement I've made all year. After only a month working on the floor, I am already absolutely in love with the job. Working here has not only reenergized passion for my career, but has most likely kept my state of mental health from completely bottoming out through these recent weeks. The kids I care for are amazing in so many ways. For instance...I've had the privilege of caring for this kid.

Speaking Of Health...now is when I talk about all the athletic type stuff normally reserved for my race blog. 2012 broke every previous mileage record I had. I set PRs in both half and full Ironman distance triathlons. I earned my first official age group award. I added 12 new finisher medals to my wall, including a handmade medal for our unofficial thanksgiving half marathon, courtesy of Eli Stephens. Additionally, there were countless trail runs with good people, and many more alone with my thoughts... or without my thoughts as was sometimes necessary.

Mileage totals for the year...
Running: 758
Cycling: 1423
Swimming: 24

So all in all, an extremely successful year to look back on in that regard, especially seeing as how I did it all without getting injured.

I guess aside from a broken heart, I have to admit that this year, with all its struggles, has left me in a pretty good place. It's just awfully hard to appreciate that on a day to day basis. This is why I write...to remind myself of the facts. I'm honest because I can't ignore the truth when it's on the page staring me in the face.

So now...the part where I harp on New Year's resolutions. If you've read any of my previous rants on this subject, you may skip to the end. I'm essentially going to say the exact same thing, but I'm going to try and reword it and make it seem fresh and clever.

It most likely won't work. But here goes nothing...

I've been telling myself that I needed to start doing yoga again for various reasons. It calms me and keeps me centered. It keeps me strong and loose in ways running cannot, and it prevents injury in ways that running definitely cannot.

I've been telling myself this since February. So I finally rolled out the yoga mat THIS week and started myself down that road once again. Please note....I did not wait until January 1st. I wish I had done it 2 months ago when I started tapering for Ironman Florida. But I did it this week.

If there's something you wish you were doing or something you want to change about your life...resolve to do it today. If you do it tomorrow, do not do it because that's what the bandwagon is doing, but because you recognize that every day of the calendar year holds the same promise and opportunity as the next. Remember that.

When the resolutions you make today fade from memory, successful or not, never forget to reengage that part of yourself that makes the bold choices, the part that strives to be better. Don't let that part of you lay dormant all year while you spin along in your metaphorical hamster wheel of routine and habit. If you do make a once a year resolution, resolve to revisit your goals on a regular basis.

Finding serenity at Wyco

Personally, in 2013 I'd like to keep doing yoga regularly, run 1000 miles, work towards becoming an awesome nurse, manage my money a little better, cook more/eat out less, reach out to friends(and not just when I'm Captain Sad Pants), travel some, and be a happier version of myself than I was in 2012.

This all starts now. It starts every day. It starts every moment I can remind myself that this is who I want to be and what I want to do with my limited time in this wonderfully complex sack of organic material I call my body.

Be good to yourselves.

And...you know....kill the motherfucking bear.

D

That moment when...

...when you realize you just had a great idea. Or a handful of great ideas. Life changing things, or maybe just really thoughtful or inspired things.

Whatever it is you have/had...it's slipping away.

That is me. That is now. Must. Type. Faster.

Whatever I was just dreaming about was It. And It was a mess of inspiration, of Change The World, of Why Not Me?

In part of my dream, I was planning a huge expedition. Alaska was the destination, but at some point there was some kind of complication. Getting there wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. No problem I dream-thought to myself, I'll just get there the hard way. It was pointed out to me that the "hard way" involved things that were beyond my means and capabilities. Hiking across multiple states, through unyielding terrain, and catching a train from somewhere that would take me the rest of the way to my final destination to do whatever it is I was going to do there. Fair enough, Dream Me thought. I settled for doing something meaningful and wonderful more locally and it ended up being just as awesome as I needed. I suppose there are lessons to be learned from both approaches.

Weird dream. At some point I woke up from "dreaming" in the strictest sense, but was still caught in that "you're awake, but still half asleep" state where you're wrestling with consciousness, trying to avoid waking up, trying to recapture the dream and pick up where you left off. All I could really do was maintain my state of limbo between the two, but it was oddly liberating. I was asleep enough to have freedom of thought normally restricted by my conscious mind, but conscious enough to be able to add a small dose of rationality to the conversations going on in my head. And I remember those conversations MUCH better than the vague-assed dream I just attempted to describe. For now at least. (Must. Type. Faster)

I'm coming to a point. Or several points.

In my dream, the presence of Alaska as a theme was clearly inspired by a friend of mine who is currently on an expedition to climb Mt. Denali. He is simultaneously attempting to raise a whole boatload of money for a cause that nobody has ever heard of. I'll link to it once I'm done writing, just want to get the thoughts out of my head.

That got me thinking about charity. I've been a fundraising guy for 6 years now. All my friends are painfully aware of it, but once a year I pound down everyone's door in support of a cause I believe in. In the past few years, more of my friends have become fundraising people, meaning that more of the people who were tossing money my way once a year have found causes that they themselves believe in enough to do something about it.

I wondered if the revolution of social networking would someday lead to charity itself going viral. A time where everyone had a cause they were pimping out, trying to make their own little difference in the world. Part of me thought this would be a bad thing, because nobody would be left to donate to other causes because they were too busy trying to promote their own. Then I convinced myself that it HAD to be a good thing. I think of the amount of people I know. How few of them do anything like this. How much MORE room there is for charity in the world. If charity itself went viral, and everybody had a cause they gave time and effort to, that'd be a better world, right? I imagined increasingly creative attempts to showcase one's cause in an increasingly competitive fundraising market. And when people start using their brains creatively, good things happen. And speaking of creative minds and good things happening...

I then started thinking about zefrank and what he has done with a camera and some ideas. Possibly the only video blogger I can stand to watch. I don't know how he does it, but his ideas are brilliant, and he presents them so interestingly. I wondered if I could do the same. I think my own ideas are pretty brilliant sometimes, and occasionally I'll write them down and publish them here. Or I'll tell them to a friend. In my half-awake state, I imagined myself being wildly successful at it and getting to someday collaborate with zefrank himself. To me, he's kind of a nerd celebrity. An everyman's kind of guru. He's just a guy with some thoughtful things to say, a camera, and a knack for editing. Why Not Me?

I felt something on my arm. In my groggy state I immediately convinced myself it was a spider and I leaped out of bed, turned on the light, and prepared to destroy the awful thing. No spider. Just an empty bed. I went to the kitchen, got a glass of water, and then sat down at the computer to start recording my thoughts before they disappeared forever. Now that I'm awake and thinking about it with the full weight of consciousness, I am 100% convinced that I'd be terrible on camera and that nobody would enjoy watching me in video blog format.I guess this is what ze is talking about when he talks about "the everything thing". He would then recommend an FILDI(Fuck it, let's do it). I seriously recommend following this guy. Might change your life...or at least give you fucked up dreams.

The excited and inspired feeling I had when I first started typing is gone. I don't know if I got it all down, but I'm out of thoughts now. Kinda like this.

Forsooth! A blog entry...

Gonna get right into this one...

You know how sometimes you can turn off your alarm clock without actually regaining consciousness? It's almost like your body knows it needs more sleep, recognizes the threat to its survival in the form of the incessant, horrible beeping, and then goes into override. Your brain knows things like "I need to make it to work on time" or "I want to have a productive morning". But all the body knows is "Uh uh...more sleep." My alarm clock is across the room, and disengaging it requires getting up and out of bed and finding that particular switch(not the easily mashable snooze, mind you) on the side of the clock that completely turns it off. Forever. Doing this while not interrupting my slumber is rather impressive, despite the fact that it leaves me with that horrible gut feeling the moment I wake up and realize I am WAY too well rested for this to be appropriate. Shit, time to call somebody and apologize/feel guilty for wasting a beautiful day asleep like a chump.

The point is, the body can do some interesting things without waking you up.

But that's not what I came to talk about.

I recently obtained dental insurance and got fitted for a nightguard(I grind my teeth at night). It wasn't entirely cheap, but it's something I probably should have been wearing since the FIRST time a dentist told me I needed one(10 years ago?). Anyways, to no surprise I was warned that it would take awhile to get used to.

Well last night I took it out for its inaugural sleep. Yes...rather uncomfortable at first. Drool production seems to quadruple any time I am wearing it, but I eventually get settled and fall asleep, mostly with the help of my 12 hour shift exhaustion. I woke up partway through my intended duration of sleep to realize a few things.

Not only was I no longer wearing my nightguard, BUT it was back in its case, which was now closed. I had no recollection of taking it out at any point...much less of carefully placing it back in its case and shutting it. I could undestand if the nightguard was simply out of my mouth and lying in a puddle of drool on the bed wherever it had fallen or been spit out. Seeing as how I was still a little groggy and fully intended to fall immediately back to sleep, I overlooked this peculiarity and placed the nightguard back in my mouth. Lights out, once again.

My alarm clock went off. It did wake me and as I got up to turn it off...guess what? No nightguard.

Where? Yep...back in its case.

How?

Well...apparently my body knows just a few things and doesn't need to consult my brain when questions over such things arise. Things like: "No, we are not fully rested...MOAR SLEEP!" and apparently "This thing is jeopardizing our airway and DOES NOT BELONG IN OUR FACE! Begone with you...but Mr. Brain up there paid good money for it...better put it back in the case."  

As least my body is considerate.