Ok, cease the activities you're currently engaged in, because I am about to spoil what you are used to hearing and seeing from those of my type. I don't look normal, but I still draw salary and I pray that audiences at large are prepared for me. Come closer, I have come to replace the former idiot in your metropolitan area, and I am musically accompanied by Digital Underground. You should consider all of your Hennessy effectively forfeit, and now I will proceed with an introduction. My name is Humpty. Make sure you enunciate it correctly with the proper "umpty" sound. My message to females is that I like to engage in intercourse with you. To other Top 10 hip-hop artists, I would suggest you step aside. Similar to Humpty Dumpty of nursery rhymes, I expect that you will not literally, but figuratively fall, or become embarrassed when you hear my songs on the radio. I like to rhyme words, I like good beats, I'm uniquely sassy, and I don't like runny oatmeal. I'm getting tired of rap that references gang activity, so I occasionally act silly. I'll consume whatever snack items you have lying around including, but not limited to licorice and crackers. Excuse me, portly woman...come here I want to see how you react if I gently stroke you with a feather. Yes, I did just use the word portly...if you'll notice, I am thin, but a disparity in body types has never been a barrier to my willingness to engage in coitus with a person. I'm a bizarre individual, I prefer women who have "the boom", indeed one time I had sex in the restroom at a Burger King. I'm mentally unstable, give me a chance to impress you. Some claim that I am unattractive, but I remain unaffected. I still copulate with many women, and there is even a dance that bears my name.
And that's just one damn verse....
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
How to change your life
Slowly...one step at a time.
I have written a lot about setting goals, working towards them, and achieving them, but all those goals were athletically oriented. You can read about all that crap over HERE at my racing blog, starting with my inaugural post and mission statement.
But what about all the REST of the stuff I'm trying to accomplish in life? Not everything requires sweat and hours of grueling exercise. Well, I set a goal to become a nurse and I'm less than 100 days from fulfilling that goal. Some titles I can currently apply to myself include, but are not limited to the following: Ironman, marathoner, ultramarathoner, soon-to-be Registered Nurse and Bachelor of Science in Nursing. Ok...what about smaller stuff?
How about this one.....flosser?
Uh.....shit. I admit that I have never successfully been able to pick up the habit of regular flossing...not for more than a month at least. I try to be living proof of the benefits of taking care of one's body, but I can't even take care of my teeth! Granted, I've been incredibly lucky. I've had only one cavity, despite the fact that I've probably flossed less than 50 times in my entire life. I've also had multiple 3-4 year stretches between seeing dentists. I'm not counting on that luck to continue indefinitely though. Just last week I finally understood why people hate dentists. I had my 6 month cleaning and when the lady went to start looking for stuff to scrape, she found some....a LOT of it. AND IT HURT!
So once again I've decided that it's high time I became a flosser.
"It's as hard to quit smoking as it is to start flossing." - Mitch Hedburg
It seems extreme, but there may be some truth to it. Putting aside physiological dependence, quitting a habit is the same as picking up a habit...they are both lifestyle changes that require the same commitments from an individual. A person must first solidify in their mind that they are ready to make a change. My past failures at the flossing habit have been defeated early by a lackadaisical attitude of "Gee, I should floss more." Next, a person must form a realistic plan of action. I never once came close to this step. Next, you have to actually follow through with this plan and hold yourself accountable. I read somewhere about a study that determined the average person needed to repeat an activity 60+ days in a row before it would become a daily habit. Once a habit is formed, then you have succeeded.
I have decided that flossing every day is unrealistic for me. The dental hygienist mentioned to me that plaque starts to harden after 48 hours, so I have decided that if I can floss every other day, I will be happy...and definitely better off than flossing NO days. I have resolved to make Monday, Wednesday, and Friday my flossing days. I am proud to report that Week 1 of Project: Danny Becomes a Flosser plan has been a resounding success. I have committed myself to achieving this goal, so now before I go to bed there is no debating about whether or not I can skip it or put it off until tomorrow. If it's MWF, I'm f*cking flossing. End of story.
Literally...that's the end of the story. Wish me luck!
I have written a lot about setting goals, working towards them, and achieving them, but all those goals were athletically oriented. You can read about all that crap over HERE at my racing blog, starting with my inaugural post and mission statement.
But what about all the REST of the stuff I'm trying to accomplish in life? Not everything requires sweat and hours of grueling exercise. Well, I set a goal to become a nurse and I'm less than 100 days from fulfilling that goal. Some titles I can currently apply to myself include, but are not limited to the following: Ironman, marathoner, ultramarathoner, soon-to-be Registered Nurse and Bachelor of Science in Nursing. Ok...what about smaller stuff?
How about this one.....flosser?
Uh.....shit. I admit that I have never successfully been able to pick up the habit of regular flossing...not for more than a month at least. I try to be living proof of the benefits of taking care of one's body, but I can't even take care of my teeth! Granted, I've been incredibly lucky. I've had only one cavity, despite the fact that I've probably flossed less than 50 times in my entire life. I've also had multiple 3-4 year stretches between seeing dentists. I'm not counting on that luck to continue indefinitely though. Just last week I finally understood why people hate dentists. I had my 6 month cleaning and when the lady went to start looking for stuff to scrape, she found some....a LOT of it. AND IT HURT!
So once again I've decided that it's high time I became a flosser.
"It's as hard to quit smoking as it is to start flossing." - Mitch Hedburg
It seems extreme, but there may be some truth to it. Putting aside physiological dependence, quitting a habit is the same as picking up a habit...they are both lifestyle changes that require the same commitments from an individual. A person must first solidify in their mind that they are ready to make a change. My past failures at the flossing habit have been defeated early by a lackadaisical attitude of "Gee, I should floss more." Next, a person must form a realistic plan of action. I never once came close to this step. Next, you have to actually follow through with this plan and hold yourself accountable. I read somewhere about a study that determined the average person needed to repeat an activity 60+ days in a row before it would become a daily habit. Once a habit is formed, then you have succeeded.
I have decided that flossing every day is unrealistic for me. The dental hygienist mentioned to me that plaque starts to harden after 48 hours, so I have decided that if I can floss every other day, I will be happy...and definitely better off than flossing NO days. I have resolved to make Monday, Wednesday, and Friday my flossing days. I am proud to report that Week 1 of Project: Danny Becomes a Flosser plan has been a resounding success. I have committed myself to achieving this goal, so now before I go to bed there is no debating about whether or not I can skip it or put it off until tomorrow. If it's MWF, I'm f*cking flossing. End of story.
Literally...that's the end of the story. Wish me luck!
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