I guess the past few years have been pretty good, so it was easy to honestly tell the story that way. And that's the key. Honesty. I can't honestly sit here and tell you that 2012 was peaches and cream, when in fact it was really a hard year for me in a lot of ways. So I'm just going to tell it like it happened.
And it may not be a good read. Fair warning...see you on the other side, brave souls.
A year ago, I wrote about being happy with my job, my health, and my relationship. Well...I've got one of those things remaining as it was. Let's break it down...I'll start with the bad and finish with the good.
The Relationship...even now I'm still in shock that it's over. Over the course of this year, I watched a beautiful relationship with an amazing girl slowly fall apart, bit by bit. I think deep down, I knew it would end up this way but I couldn't truly admit it to myself, nor could I give up trying to make it work. I am reassured by the fact that I gave it my best shot and don't think I did anything wrong, but that is far outweighed by the disappointment of rejection and the hollowness left in her absence. I know at some point in the future, those feelings will give way to hope and eventual excitement for new things, but I don't see that happening any time soon.
For these reasons, 2012 saw me very often reaching out to friends and family for support, and luckily finding them immediately willing to lend an ear and pick me up when I was down. You all know exactly who you are, and you need to know that you have helped me more than I could possibly express in words. For all the conversations over beer, movies watched, FIFA games, mystery ingredient pot-roasts, shared trail runs, Colorado couch surfing, late night chats, the most awesome wedding I've ever been to, the Annual Loental Holiday Game, and all the rest...I know I owe you all so much. Thank you for being there when I needed you.
The Job...well, long story short...it was awesome, it all blew up, then it sucked, got a little better, got a LOT worse, and then became amazing.
Let me break it down. I started the year as a new nurse orienting in Medical ICU at St. Luke's. In February it became painfully clear to myself and my orientation coordinators that I was not yet fit for critical care. This resulted in a huge blow to my overall confidence as well as confidence in my nursing practice, and a transfer to a lower acuity unit. I was immediately disappointed and bitter about the new job and it took a long time for me to let anyone get to know me because I simply did not want to be there.
After a while, I began to get a feel for the job and an ability to appreciate certain aspects of the care I was giving. In short, I was starting to enjoy it and saw myself perhaps staying there. I began to get to know some of my new coworkers and was thrilled to discover that most of them were not only excellent nurses and aides, but that they were really great people as well. Despite management issues on the unit, I began to make it my home.
As the year went on, the management issues resulted in more and more good nurses leaving for greener pastures, resulting in worse and worse staffing issues. By the end, it was getting downright scary to show up to work, wondering how woefully understaffed we'd be and what catastrophe might befall us or a patient due to being so stretched.
Luckily, I got word from a friend who I met during my Capstone at Children's Mercy that their Hematology/Oncology unit was hiring. I submitted an application that very day and within a few weeks, I had an interview lined up. The morning after my interview, I was offered the job and later that day I put in my 2 weeks notice at St. Luke's.
To say that this new job has been a god-damned blessing is maybe the biggest understatement I've made all year. After only a month working on the floor, I am already absolutely in love with the job. Working here has not only reenergized passion for my career, but has most likely kept my state of mental health from completely bottoming out through these recent weeks. The kids I care for are amazing in so many ways. For instance...I've had the privilege of caring for this kid.
Speaking Of Health...now is when I talk about all the athletic type stuff normally reserved for my race blog. 2012 broke every previous mileage record I had. I set PRs in both half and full Ironman distance triathlons. I earned my first official age group award. I added 12 new finisher medals to my wall, including a handmade medal for our unofficial thanksgiving half marathon, courtesy of Eli Stephens. Additionally, there were countless trail runs with good people, and many more alone with my thoughts... or without my thoughts as was sometimes necessary.
Mileage totals for the year...
Running: 758
Cycling: 1423
Swimming: 24
So all in all, an extremely successful year to look back on in that regard, especially seeing as how I did it all without getting injured.
I guess aside from a broken heart, I have to admit that this year, with all its struggles, has left me in a pretty good place. It's just awfully hard to appreciate that on a day to day basis. This is why I write...to remind myself of the facts. I'm honest because I can't ignore the truth when it's on the page staring me in the face.
So now...the part where I harp on New Year's resolutions. If you've read any of my previous rants on this subject, you may skip to the end. I'm essentially going to say the exact same thing, but I'm going to try and reword it and make it seem fresh and clever.
It most likely won't work. But here goes nothing...
I've been telling myself that I needed to start doing yoga again for various reasons. It calms me and keeps me centered. It keeps me strong and loose in ways running cannot, and it prevents injury in ways that running definitely cannot.
I've been telling myself this since February. So I finally rolled out the yoga mat THIS week and started myself down that road once again. Please note....I did not wait until January 1st. I wish I had done it 2 months ago when I started tapering for Ironman Florida. But I did it this week.
If there's something you wish you were doing or something you want to change about your life...resolve to do it today. If you do it tomorrow, do not do it because that's what the bandwagon is doing, but because you recognize that every day of the calendar year holds the same promise and opportunity as the next. Remember that.
When the resolutions you make today fade from memory, successful or not, never forget to reengage that part of yourself that makes the bold choices, the part that strives to be better. Don't let that part of you lay dormant all year while you spin along in your metaphorical hamster wheel of routine and habit. If you do make a once a year resolution, resolve to revisit your goals on a regular basis.
 |
| Finding serenity at Wyco |
This all starts now. It starts every day. It starts every moment I can remind myself that this is who I want to be and what I want to do with my limited time in this wonderfully complex sack of organic material I call my body.
Be good to yourselves.
And...you know....kill the motherfucking bear.
D
