Ok, cease the activities you're currently engaged in, because I am about to spoil what you are used to hearing and seeing from those of my type. I don't look normal, but I still draw salary and I pray that audiences at large are prepared for me. Come closer, I have come to replace the former idiot in your metropolitan area, and I am musically accompanied by Digital Underground. You should consider all of your Hennessy effectively forfeit, and now I will proceed with an introduction. My name is Humpty. Make sure you enunciate it correctly with the proper "umpty" sound. My message to females is that I like to engage in intercourse with you. To other Top 10 hip-hop artists, I would suggest you step aside. Similar to Humpty Dumpty of nursery rhymes, I expect that you will not literally, but figuratively fall, or become embarrassed when you hear my songs on the radio. I like to rhyme words, I like good beats, I'm uniquely sassy, and I don't like runny oatmeal. I'm getting tired of rap that references gang activity, so I occasionally act silly. I'll consume whatever snack items you have lying around including, but not limited to licorice and crackers. Excuse me, portly woman...come here I want to see how you react if I gently stroke you with a feather. Yes, I did just use the word portly...if you'll notice, I am thin, but a disparity in body types has never been a barrier to my willingness to engage in coitus with a person. I'm a bizarre individual, I prefer women who have "the boom", indeed one time I had sex in the restroom at a Burger King. I'm mentally unstable, give me a chance to impress you. Some claim that I am unattractive, but I remain unaffected. I still copulate with many women, and there is even a dance that bears my name.
And that's just one damn verse....
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
How to change your life
Slowly...one step at a time.
I have written a lot about setting goals, working towards them, and achieving them, but all those goals were athletically oriented. You can read about all that crap over HERE at my racing blog, starting with my inaugural post and mission statement.
But what about all the REST of the stuff I'm trying to accomplish in life? Not everything requires sweat and hours of grueling exercise. Well, I set a goal to become a nurse and I'm less than 100 days from fulfilling that goal. Some titles I can currently apply to myself include, but are not limited to the following: Ironman, marathoner, ultramarathoner, soon-to-be Registered Nurse and Bachelor of Science in Nursing. Ok...what about smaller stuff?
How about this one.....flosser?
Uh.....shit. I admit that I have never successfully been able to pick up the habit of regular flossing...not for more than a month at least. I try to be living proof of the benefits of taking care of one's body, but I can't even take care of my teeth! Granted, I've been incredibly lucky. I've had only one cavity, despite the fact that I've probably flossed less than 50 times in my entire life. I've also had multiple 3-4 year stretches between seeing dentists. I'm not counting on that luck to continue indefinitely though. Just last week I finally understood why people hate dentists. I had my 6 month cleaning and when the lady went to start looking for stuff to scrape, she found some....a LOT of it. AND IT HURT!
So once again I've decided that it's high time I became a flosser.
"It's as hard to quit smoking as it is to start flossing." - Mitch Hedburg
It seems extreme, but there may be some truth to it. Putting aside physiological dependence, quitting a habit is the same as picking up a habit...they are both lifestyle changes that require the same commitments from an individual. A person must first solidify in their mind that they are ready to make a change. My past failures at the flossing habit have been defeated early by a lackadaisical attitude of "Gee, I should floss more." Next, a person must form a realistic plan of action. I never once came close to this step. Next, you have to actually follow through with this plan and hold yourself accountable. I read somewhere about a study that determined the average person needed to repeat an activity 60+ days in a row before it would become a daily habit. Once a habit is formed, then you have succeeded.
I have decided that flossing every day is unrealistic for me. The dental hygienist mentioned to me that plaque starts to harden after 48 hours, so I have decided that if I can floss every other day, I will be happy...and definitely better off than flossing NO days. I have resolved to make Monday, Wednesday, and Friday my flossing days. I am proud to report that Week 1 of Project: Danny Becomes a Flosser plan has been a resounding success. I have committed myself to achieving this goal, so now before I go to bed there is no debating about whether or not I can skip it or put it off until tomorrow. If it's MWF, I'm f*cking flossing. End of story.
Literally...that's the end of the story. Wish me luck!
I have written a lot about setting goals, working towards them, and achieving them, but all those goals were athletically oriented. You can read about all that crap over HERE at my racing blog, starting with my inaugural post and mission statement.
But what about all the REST of the stuff I'm trying to accomplish in life? Not everything requires sweat and hours of grueling exercise. Well, I set a goal to become a nurse and I'm less than 100 days from fulfilling that goal. Some titles I can currently apply to myself include, but are not limited to the following: Ironman, marathoner, ultramarathoner, soon-to-be Registered Nurse and Bachelor of Science in Nursing. Ok...what about smaller stuff?
How about this one.....flosser?
Uh.....shit. I admit that I have never successfully been able to pick up the habit of regular flossing...not for more than a month at least. I try to be living proof of the benefits of taking care of one's body, but I can't even take care of my teeth! Granted, I've been incredibly lucky. I've had only one cavity, despite the fact that I've probably flossed less than 50 times in my entire life. I've also had multiple 3-4 year stretches between seeing dentists. I'm not counting on that luck to continue indefinitely though. Just last week I finally understood why people hate dentists. I had my 6 month cleaning and when the lady went to start looking for stuff to scrape, she found some....a LOT of it. AND IT HURT!
So once again I've decided that it's high time I became a flosser.
"It's as hard to quit smoking as it is to start flossing." - Mitch Hedburg
It seems extreme, but there may be some truth to it. Putting aside physiological dependence, quitting a habit is the same as picking up a habit...they are both lifestyle changes that require the same commitments from an individual. A person must first solidify in their mind that they are ready to make a change. My past failures at the flossing habit have been defeated early by a lackadaisical attitude of "Gee, I should floss more." Next, a person must form a realistic plan of action. I never once came close to this step. Next, you have to actually follow through with this plan and hold yourself accountable. I read somewhere about a study that determined the average person needed to repeat an activity 60+ days in a row before it would become a daily habit. Once a habit is formed, then you have succeeded.
I have decided that flossing every day is unrealistic for me. The dental hygienist mentioned to me that plaque starts to harden after 48 hours, so I have decided that if I can floss every other day, I will be happy...and definitely better off than flossing NO days. I have resolved to make Monday, Wednesday, and Friday my flossing days. I am proud to report that Week 1 of Project: Danny Becomes a Flosser plan has been a resounding success. I have committed myself to achieving this goal, so now before I go to bed there is no debating about whether or not I can skip it or put it off until tomorrow. If it's MWF, I'm f*cking flossing. End of story.
Literally...that's the end of the story. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Cruel Cycle of Grocery-Having...
Stage 1: Have groceries
You have just gotten home from the grocery store and you put everything away. You feel so proud that you have done the responsible thing instead of putting it off and ordering a pizza out of laziness. You are also probably tired from this whole "modern day hunter/gatherer" ordeal, so you're not quite ready to choose a meal to cook and prepare it. In fact, there are so many god-damned options, you are having trouble even deciding what you want to eat. So you put it off. Cooking takes so much time...GOSH!
You eat a banana before bed.
Stage 2: Grocery supply begins to dwindle.
All of the really good meals have been cooked and eaten. The healthy stuff is still ok to eat, but it's now or never. The problem is that you aren't necessarily craving any of the things you still have left...DEFINITELY not the healthy stuff. And going to the grocery store is absolutely NOT an option, because there's still food in the house.
You eat the last box of Mac and Cheese.
Stage 3: Groceries are gone
There are no more complete meals left. The once-fresh veggies are shriveled and you are too ashamed to throw them away just yet. You're damn sure not going to eat them though. All you have left is half a serving of plain pasta(no sauce), a can of tuna(no bread), some tortillas(no cheese, chicken, salsa, or anything that would be put on a tortilla), and an egg of dubious age. You are completely disheartened and disenfranchised with groceries, so you're not going to the store...besides...it's 9 pm and you haven't eaten dinner yet.
You eat the plain tortillas....and furthermore for the next week or two, you order pizza, fast food, or let your 'opportunivore' instincts from your college days kick in. You will eat anything. After enough time, you somehow muster the strength and courage to visit the grocery store again.
Repeat.
You have just gotten home from the grocery store and you put everything away. You feel so proud that you have done the responsible thing instead of putting it off and ordering a pizza out of laziness. You are also probably tired from this whole "modern day hunter/gatherer" ordeal, so you're not quite ready to choose a meal to cook and prepare it. In fact, there are so many god-damned options, you are having trouble even deciding what you want to eat. So you put it off. Cooking takes so much time...GOSH!
You eat a banana before bed.
Stage 2: Grocery supply begins to dwindle.
All of the really good meals have been cooked and eaten. The healthy stuff is still ok to eat, but it's now or never. The problem is that you aren't necessarily craving any of the things you still have left...DEFINITELY not the healthy stuff. And going to the grocery store is absolutely NOT an option, because there's still food in the house.
You eat the last box of Mac and Cheese.
Stage 3: Groceries are gone
There are no more complete meals left. The once-fresh veggies are shriveled and you are too ashamed to throw them away just yet. You're damn sure not going to eat them though. All you have left is half a serving of plain pasta(no sauce), a can of tuna(no bread), some tortillas(no cheese, chicken, salsa, or anything that would be put on a tortilla), and an egg of dubious age. You are completely disheartened and disenfranchised with groceries, so you're not going to the store...besides...it's 9 pm and you haven't eaten dinner yet.
You eat the plain tortillas....and furthermore for the next week or two, you order pizza, fast food, or let your 'opportunivore' instincts from your college days kick in. You will eat anything. After enough time, you somehow muster the strength and courage to visit the grocery store again.
Repeat.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Quick thought....a drive-home metaphor...
This will likely offend somebody, so I guess there's that.
On my drive home I was thinking about old age and dying and what it would be like to look back on your life and think to yourself, "Man, I really did everything I wanted to do and I'm ready to say goodbye and turn out the lights." It was at that point that I wondered if I'd still have that lingering fear of the unknown, of death...and of the so-called "afterlife" that I don't believe in.
Will I fold and choose a "god" to swear allegiance to out of weakness? Out of fear of retribution for not living my life for that particular god's glory? I feel like if I do things the way I plan on doing them, I would honestly be able to look any god in the face at judgement and say "I lived a good life, and I didn't even have to be frightened by the prospect of burning in hell to do it. I just did it because I knew it was the right way to live. I learned to love, to empathize, to explore the world you allegedly created, to help my fellow man, and to do all things as justly and conscientiously as possible."
If that god still decides to condemn me because I did not do all of those things with them in mind, then so be it. But I doubt any supposedly omnipotent god could really punish somebody who was only living the way they were created to live. Unfortunately, not a single religion has a god like this.
Which leads me to my thought of the night. A metaphor for why I think religion is absolutely stupid. Not spirituality, mind you. Religion.
Religion is stupid because it would have us believe that a man could cure cancer, but it wouldn't matter if he was wearing the wrong color lab coat when he did it.
Good night.
On my drive home I was thinking about old age and dying and what it would be like to look back on your life and think to yourself, "Man, I really did everything I wanted to do and I'm ready to say goodbye and turn out the lights." It was at that point that I wondered if I'd still have that lingering fear of the unknown, of death...and of the so-called "afterlife" that I don't believe in.
Will I fold and choose a "god" to swear allegiance to out of weakness? Out of fear of retribution for not living my life for that particular god's glory? I feel like if I do things the way I plan on doing them, I would honestly be able to look any god in the face at judgement and say "I lived a good life, and I didn't even have to be frightened by the prospect of burning in hell to do it. I just did it because I knew it was the right way to live. I learned to love, to empathize, to explore the world you allegedly created, to help my fellow man, and to do all things as justly and conscientiously as possible."
If that god still decides to condemn me because I did not do all of those things with them in mind, then so be it. But I doubt any supposedly omnipotent god could really punish somebody who was only living the way they were created to live. Unfortunately, not a single religion has a god like this.
Which leads me to my thought of the night. A metaphor for why I think religion is absolutely stupid. Not spirituality, mind you. Religion.
Religion is stupid because it would have us believe that a man could cure cancer, but it wouldn't matter if he was wearing the wrong color lab coat when he did it.
Good night.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Prohibitive advice from popular music...
Don't:
1. Stop thinking about tomorrow
2. Stop believing
3. Stop before you get enough
4. Do me like that
5. Go changin'
6. Go chasin' waterfalls
7. Fear the reaper
8. Forget about me
9. Worry
10. Eat that yellow snow
11. Think twice
12. Turn around
13. Speak
14. Change that number
15. Let the sun go down on me
16. Take my Kodachrome away
17. Try to fade this
18. Stop the beat
19. Leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
20. Let me down
1. Stop thinking about tomorrow
2. Stop believing
3. Stop before you get enough
4. Do me like that
5. Go changin'
6. Go chasin' waterfalls
7. Fear the reaper
8. Forget about me
9. Worry
10. Eat that yellow snow
11. Think twice
12. Turn around
13. Speak
14. Change that number
15. Let the sun go down on me
16. Take my Kodachrome away
17. Try to fade this
18. Stop the beat
19. Leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
20. Let me down
Friday, February 25, 2011
New blog!
I decided to create a 2nd blog dedicated to my athletic stuff. You can find it here.
If you "follow" me here, I hope you'll "follow" me there if you like. I guess I just had an OCD moment and needed some organization. This blog will still exist for the purposes of me writing about silly stuff, of course.
Hope to see all 10 of you on the other blog soon!
Danny
If you "follow" me here, I hope you'll "follow" me there if you like. I guess I just had an OCD moment and needed some organization. This blog will still exist for the purposes of me writing about silly stuff, of course.
Hope to see all 10 of you on the other blog soon!
Danny
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Facts about "Love" according to popular music...
1. It's all you need.
2. It will keep us together.
3. It will tear us apart.
4. It will keep us alive.
5. It is what it must have been, though it is over now.
6. It's a burnin' thing that makes a fiery ring.
7. Foreigner, Stevie Nicks, and Haddaway want to know what it is.
8. When a man does it to a woman, he can't keep his mind on nothin' else.
9. Whiiiiiiitney Hooooooouuston will always do it tooooooo yooooooooooooou.
10. Meatloaf would do anything for it, but he won't do that.
11. It stinks.
12. You can't buy it.
13. When I fall in it, it will be forever.
14. Air Supply is all out of it, but makes it out of nothing at all. They are also lost in it.
15. The Black Eyed Peas want to know where it is.
16. Lionel Richie wants to share all of his with you, though his is endless.
17. Bad Company feels like making it.
18. There's nothing wrong with it.
19. You give it a bad name.
20. Strangers in the night ponder the odds that they'll be sharing it before the night is through.
2. It will keep us together.
3. It will tear us apart.
4. It will keep us alive.
5. It is what it must have been, though it is over now.
6. It's a burnin' thing that makes a fiery ring.
7. Foreigner, Stevie Nicks, and Haddaway want to know what it is.
8. When a man does it to a woman, he can't keep his mind on nothin' else.
9. Whiiiiiiitney Hooooooouuston will always do it tooooooo yooooooooooooou.
10. Meatloaf would do anything for it, but he won't do that.
11. It stinks.
12. You can't buy it.
13. When I fall in it, it will be forever.
14. Air Supply is all out of it, but makes it out of nothing at all. They are also lost in it.
15. The Black Eyed Peas want to know where it is.
16. Lionel Richie wants to share all of his with you, though his is endless.
17. Bad Company feels like making it.
18. There's nothing wrong with it.
19. You give it a bad name.
20. Strangers in the night ponder the odds that they'll be sharing it before the night is through.
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